ramblings

yeah yeah i need to update more often i know

ive just had so much shit to deal with lately i haven't been able to adequately process it in my head let alone write it all down

so the fact is i am worried

with four weeks of my placement left i still don't know what direction my career is heading

i've had ups and i've had downs and yesterday i ALMOST hit rock bottom, i was so ready to give up my 7 years of studying law and i felt like there was no light at the end of this dark dark dark tunnel...

i was beginning to think this was the way it will always be, poor, broke, stressed and really unhappy

i was getting disillusioned about becoming a lawyer because this was not how it was meant to be

what happened to my Merceddes SL 55 AMG? what happened to my dream home? what happened to not having to worry about how i'm going to afford to eat on a day to day basis? yes its THAT bad.

i get given a little hope that life will change and in almost the same breath that very hope gets withdrawn and so it goes and so it goes

its difficult to remain motivated when there is no security, the unknown frightens the shit out of me

i can't go on thinking that if i work that little bit harder, circumstances will change but it seems the harder i work the more static everything gets, is this how its always going to be?

i'm sick of feeling rorted im sick of having to fight for everything

why can't things just be easy every now and again? is this what being a grown up is like?

its difficult to make sure that everything is alright in everyone elses life when im struggling to cope with my own issues and yet it seems that people just keep on expecting and they take and they take and zap all my energy... and i can't say no... i just can't cos they're family..

a friend told me that responsibility is what you make it. yes alright that is true in a way but in a way its wrong.

i think its true that responsibility is what you make it when you accept it and allow it to envelop you, but then how can you say no when you know that if you don't do it.. who will?