i want to know

ok .. it must be the back lash from the blog withdrawal of late.

but i felt the sudden urge to blog again...

this time about a person very special to me

a person whom i barely know

a person who i think about every single day of my life

a person who left me too soon

someone i wish i could have gotten to know better.

my dad.

i dont think ive ever spoken about him to anyone as i rarely do. i never feel comfortable talking about it... and i think other people get uneasy too... death is a hard topic to talk about. i still cant speak about the day he went because its just too dark and sad...

but i do think about him... if he were still here... would he approve of the person ive become?

im always searching and thinking about his approval

i dont remember much of him, but i have NEVER heard anything bad about him. He must have been a good man because people always speak about him with the UTMOST regard and in the most pleasant light. even people i dont know that we bump into on the streets, they re-call my dad with a smile... his ex-students all loved him too..

from what ive heard....he was a scientist, an academic.. a good hearted man.

he was a professor in physics and chemistry and over here, he taught classes on the weekends in maths and the like (i still remember this part) for free.. for the love of it.

when he passed away, we found notebooks and notebooks in his drawers... an incomplete text book he was writing...

i remember one of our first gifts from him... while other kids got stuffed toys, dolls, toy cars...

my brother and i... we got a microscope equipt with swabs of bactieria.

i must have been 3... i loved it.

after he went away though, we werent allowed to use it anymore.. it was packed away with history... perhaps the memories were too sad. we never questioned it.

the one thing he left me when he went. my ability to whistle.. he taught me when i was two and i never forgot.

in infant school, like all the other kids .. i made him easter cards, christmas cards... i bought stuff for him from the father's day stall... i remember i really wanted to give them to him...

i dont think there is much else i recall...
i wonder what he sounded like

i wonder if im like him

i wonder what it would be like if he was still around

what is it like to have a dad? how come i missed out? i really want to know this good man.

answers to so many questions i will never know.

so this saturday im going to visit him... its been what... 21 years

and i am sooo grateful to have the STRONGEST, MOST LOVING, MOST CARING, SELF SACRIFICING, HEROIC woman as my mum!

thats it

doing work time!