affirmation

"...You were a psycho back in highschool.

But i didn't mind so much coz you were always you- Didn't have to pretend to be anything for anyone and thats always cool cos i like that kinda honesty and you're always being straight with people. And you always knew when you pushed it and you apologise after and that's even more swell..

You don't let people mess with you. Cos you're strong. Even though you get depressed when people piss you off with all their bullshit you can kick them to the curb n get on with your life cos its their problem not yours.

You're always up for a laugh. You go plaes with me n talk shit when we need to get away from the shit we dont wanna deal with.

You compliment me on my writing and give me a big head.... haha nah you always encourage me n all my [brilliant] ideas.

You have persistence.

You're pretty but you're not delicate cos you know what you want and you wont put up with less.

Thats radical.

You're alot stronger than you think. You'll go places in the world, coz you wont be satisfied with mediocracy.
I believe in you coz you're the Little Becki that Could...."

[An affirmation from one of my best friends from yesteryear]

... "You'll go places in the world, coz you wont be satisfied with mediocracy..."

although that was written a while ago... those words keep resonating in my head.. yes till this very day...

when i am down or unmotivated, i look to my wall where i have that affirmation tacked and i think... don't be satisfied with mediocracy...

but things have changed, im not the Becki i was back then... back then i thought that dreams were made to come true.. i felt that i was invincible and that i could do whatever i wanted ... i was young and idealistic...

i dreamt of becoming a lawyer, some highflying corporate powertripping biatch dolled up in armani suits carrying chanel bags driving my slick black benz, in and out of the court room... perhaps being partner in some snazzy humungous top notch law firm either that or working for the U.N.. perhaps in the international court...placed somewhere in prague... sitting on historical looking hotel balconies sipping on my coffee in between peacekeeping conventions...

i had far reaching dreams... and i seriously thought it was possible... i didnt want.. and never expectedto be happy sitting in some safe and stable job in a little cubicle surrounded by files...being underpaid and overworked...humbled by the notion that maybe.. just maybe.. one day ill be able to own my own home... my dream home if im lucky ... and perhaps maybe even be able to afford a brand new car...

i guess thats mediocracy...

....but am i satisfied? and if i am... will i be satisfied with that forever?

it feels as though i took too long in law school, long enough for me to forget my dreams, long enough for me to forget my ideals and for me to misplace my aspirations...

somewhere under some stone.. perhaps ill find it again... some day..