when hope doesn't float

becki hasnt been a happy person of late

when i was younger, my mother told me that if i studied hard and went to uni ... i could acheive anything... she told me that i could change my destiny and that life didnt always have to be the way they were...

so i worked hard regardless of how much i hated school or studying, regardless of anything else that happened in my life, i perservered and did things because i had the hope at the back of my mind that if i did that... there will be better days

so i got into uni, and i got into law despite my final year of high school being one of the worst years of my life, i made it when nobody thought i would ... things were difficult and i was depressed but i did it, i got into the course i THOUGHT i wanted to do

and i thought i wanted to do it because in my mind it promised better days

so i got into uni and my mum told me that if i followed it through and didnt give up even when things were really bad then life after that would be a breeze... i could do whatever i liked and in my mind i thought that if i just stuck it through, i could give my family a better quality of life

so then... i worked hard and i finished that too

and i thought, now i can be happy, things will be easier and life wouldn't be so hard anymore

i can find a job... i can support my family... my destiny WILL CHANGE

so i found a placement and i was shattered when i found it wasnt paid, but i needed to complete my placement for my practising certificate...

so i stuck it through and i thought 'after this its going to be sweet... i just have to hang on a few more months then it will be sweet'...

so i did that too

and now almost five months into it and having completed my placement... i am none the happier.

i can't sleep at night because i have nightmares about work and my boss going off at me over a few measely bucks he wants to rort me of, i wake up in the middle of the night crying and trembling with fear... i get to work early and when im stuck in traffic and arrive even a minute late, i feel an overwhelming fear of being blasted at again...

my boss treats me like shit and all i can do is grin and bear it... he is breaking my confidence so that he can pay me below award and revoke my legal entitlements...

my family tells me "you have to be stronger because thats just the way life is if you're not the boss"

my boyfriend tells me "dont worry you will find another job and life will be sweet"

thing is i dont think i can do this anymore, i can't deal with false hopes

i've done all the things i thought i needed to in order to have somewhat of a normal life... where did i go wrong? why am i still the same unhappy person?

why do i still have to think about whether i should buy food or starve?

and then i come home and even at home theres a culture of fear i dont even want to begin to get into...

i dont know how much longer i can hang on... i feel like im on the edge just waiting for something or someone to push me over ... im scared because i feel myself becoming psychotic...

and i think ... is becoming a ruthless, heartless, evil person what it takes to be successful in life? because its worked for my boss so far... i really dont want to become like him because id just die.... so maybe im in the wrong profession

but ive had this hope that ive worked towards for so long... my mum says to me..."just more one tiny step and things will be sweet for you"

i dont believe it anymore.